2019 was a long year. I'll be the first to admit that I'm glad it's over--there was a lot of stress and anxiety-inducing events, but although it was tough, I feel stronger because of it.
One of the healthy habits I picked up came to be known by many as 'mindfulness': when discussing young children, I believe it's referred to as 'emotional regulation.' For some people, mindfulness can involve not biting their nails, or making sure to do the dishes, while for others, like me, it was about pulling back, and not becoming too emotionally invested in some situations that didn't require it.
Throughout 2019, we saw a lot of my boyfriend's family, hung out with a lot of friends of friends (some of whom were not so pleasant!), and attended a long-anticipated wedding.
Over the course of what felt like sprinting between these events, I described to my boyfriend what 'emotional exhaustion' felt like: I felt like I was constantly "on," that I had to appear graceful and ready for anything, while others around me didn't seem so taxed. I realized, albeit late in the year, that I felt stressed because I was indulging myself in an unhealthy habit of becoming emotionally attached to these events. I was pouring so much of my anxiety into preparedness, overthinking everything that happened after the fact, and projecting those fears onto every single future occasion, that I was wearing myself down, day by day, for long after I had (pretty successfully) navigated those situations. No matter how much he tried to reassure me, I had to discover for myself of what my boyfriend was trying to assuage: that I didn't need to put so much pressure on myself, that I knew what I was doing, and that I didn't have to worry about them in the end because in the long run, these little events don't matter. He was right. I didn't think he was. And I was letting my self esteem and mental health run themselves into the ground.
Mindfulness is a healthy habit, but it takes work. To me, it's not about getting up early, going to the gym, and working up a sweat: it's about paying attention to your pattern of thoughts and behavior in a corrective way. It's every day, like going to the gym can be, but it's a consistent reminder to take a moment, and not get sucked into those unhealthy habits. And that can happen many times throughout the day.
I'm happy with my mindfulness progress in the latter half of 2019, and I'm looking forward to taking more moments to mind myself. After all, with each close of a year, we are granted a new one to practice our lessons of the last.